The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
