I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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