Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
