Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
