I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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