Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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