New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
