What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
