he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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