Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
