there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
