Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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