Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
