they need to just BURY HIM!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
