Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
