In the future we'll all be gay
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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