"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Rumble strips road head = magical
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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