i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
