Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
