Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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