I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
