Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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