She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
