he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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