They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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