i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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