Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
