I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
