I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
