I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
