I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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