I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
