Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
