Please don't use social media to get back at me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
