I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
