I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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