my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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