I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
