Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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