What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
