I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
