I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
