My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
