Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
