I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
