I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
