new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
