New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
