I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
