i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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