i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
