You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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